new journal

camelfucker.livejournal.com

If you don't want to add me again, I understand but it will ~break my heart~ to see any of my beloved e-friends go :(

bye

OOPS I'M ATTRACTED TO BRITISH GUYS AGAIN

I saw "Caligula" (tinto brass one) last night and it was A+. I read some things before watching and it's supposedly the shittiest movie ever that all of the kewl pplz hate but I loved it. I enjoyed the imagery and plot is insignificant when a film is exceptionally pleasing aesthetically amirite fags? Roman emperors are my new fixation. The way that they lived life like it was theatre was so grandiose and insane. I can only hope to aspire to that kind of greatness ;__;. They did it in a superflously narcissistic way (that I think of as the height of badass-ery) and that is the major reason and I suppose some of them were mad hot. Caligula's wedding was fantastic also, while his skanky ginger wife pushed that baby out of her cunt, he put the ring on her finger ;___; Dude, OVERKILL. Apparently, there was a sweet as hell fisting scene but I seem to have missed that even though I'm sure I didn't space out at all while watching oh well. Malcolm McDowell looked Jeffrey Dahmer-ish so I was all "brb resisting the urge to fap". He also looked very similar to the guy who played Alex in 'A Clockwork Orange' (same guy y/n?). At the end, when Caligula dies, I dreamily sighed because it was so awesomely picturesque. With the Saddam Hussein thing, that was such a fitting, tragic end. He was just like, "Yeah, so what if I dumped acid on some hoes while their babies watched. I'm still the shit." But he did with SUCH humility. I love tyrants, sometimes they can be so disarmingly humble and it just warms my ~*hEaRt*~. I want a sexy tyrant in my life :(

I was just thinking today that Columbine would have been so much more sexy if Eric and Dylan were fucking. Better yet, if they were brothers and fucking. All I can think of that turns me on the most right now (aside from being beaten by nazis) is hot brother buttfucking. I wish I was a white male just so I could engage in disgusting oniichan sex. But I think older brother shit is sexiest if I am a ~gurl~. If brothers fuck, they should be twins because they would truly ~undahstand each otha~ and their souls would be harmonious while they get shit on their dicks. too bad i got accidently turned on while reading some harry potter fanfiction where ron and his brothers get it on. How should I satisfy theze incest fantasies, f-list? Most of you are truly depraved, disgusting perverts who enjoy this shit so point me in the direction of the holy grail of BROTHER LOVE.

Tags: brother incest, caligula is hot, i need british peniz
Current Music: addicted to you- alec empire

lol @ I'm a fucking pushover no wonder everyone always pwns me and I'm so miserable. My father works more hours now and I was being an asshole to him and making him pick me up from school early even though he had to sleep. It didn't occur to me until later that this was improper behavior, not to mention, inconsiderate. That's when I started to feel really bad. How could I just disregard my father's ~feelings~ and health? This is the same person who tells me that I'm unhappy because I don't clean more (and "love my family") and accuses me of lying about medical problems, especially ones that burden me greatly and impair my ability to function academically. He refuses to drive me anywhere (including taking me to a doctor) but gets mad at me for not being able to drive even though my nervez are fucked up and I'm fucking terrified of driving especially on rural roads like the ones around here. I do this same thing with my brother. Apparently, he's totally happy and content living in this shithole and when my parents suggest moving to a cleaner, better neighborhood (in a different city), he throws a fit. And then I start to feel bad for supporting what my mother says because my brother would be unhappy for a while and would have to re-adjust in a totally new place and it would be a little hard for him because he's going to be a junior next year. Even though he hates me, takes every opportunity available to be rude to me, and make moronic comments. Yesterday, I kept walking past the TV while he was watching football or something (i was ~cleaning~) and he kept acting like a fag and saying retarded things like "omg no wonder muslims hate women u guys are so stupid". No wonder I'm so depressed and unsatisfied. I keep putting these total dicks ahead of myself when they don't deserve it. Queenie getz it probably and no one else. lol

Also, sexual frustration probs. I was thinking about how disgusting and repugnant actual sexual contact was and now I'm in another "yea not doing it for a real long time" state of mind. This would be greatly beneficial if I was Rafael or something i.e. zero sex drive but my problem is the exact opposite. I don't view sexuality as being a "normal" part of life. I never think of people as being sexual or as having sex lives, to me it's just weird. With driving, I feel the same way. It's what other people do, grown-ups but not me. After all, I never really left middle school so I'm stuck in this "immature" stage and it bothers me because I want to be able to relate to people my age (ugh, i KNOW) perhaps only so people would stop thinking of me as this outcast loser with mental problems or making fun of me. That sounds gay and lame but I hate being distinct in any aspect. Another thing is I don't want to be "intimate" with others. My sexuality is highly solipsistic and I'm also very misanthropic (especially concerning males). I hate how they somehow believe I owe it to humanity to be sexually active and that my choice to not engage in sexual acts is the same as "keeping" something from them. Or "wasting pussy" like some sexist moron said. Superficiality and elitism also factor in somehow. I could say that I'm an ~aesthete~ and I would prefer things to be picturesque. When I actually do things, I'm quite detached from it. In fact, any actions I take are for self-display because I view them as spectacle rather than a meaningful occurrence which I am too gain something from. This way I feel that I trivialize myself and my life while I attempt to elevate it to cinematic or grand status and that it's totally useless. Even though I have never been in a relationship, I think of them this way too. Not as things for me use for real comfort, joy, or learning experience but something to look good on paper. I am not attracted to males that I know or ones that are my friends. Generally, I find someone I consider aesthetically appealing and create a persona for him and I masturbate to that until I actually meet the person, which is when the fantasy is destroyed because the guy ruined my image of him which is better than what he really is. This is another reason why I should abstain from sex and relationships because when people like me, it seems like they REALLY like me and I don't want to fuck things up for someone else. That would be selfish. On second thought, I wouldn't mind deceiving and using someone for my weird and narcissistic purposes but I'd be worried about them making me look bad.

Tags: i'm stupid
Current Music: a coral room- kate bush

well, fagz I got one of these.

Current Music: bye bye miss american pie

omg
you guys
kevin spacey is so fkn hot







~*swoonz*~

watching the usual suspects now

Current Music: new gwen stefani album

um EXSQUEEZE ME



Courtney Love getting spanked by Amanda LePore? Whoa. I think I have just died and gone to tranny heaven. This is the sexiest picture I have seen all week. Pure genius. I'm not sure if I like David LaChapelle yet tho. The rest of his WORK looks like gross eurotrash shit.

BTW, is this weird. I hate porn with white women. But with brunettes, it's okay because they're ugly and it makes me lol. But I think blonde white womyn are the sexiest eva obviously since Brigitte Bardot, Madonna, and Kate Moss are total ~beauty iconz~ to me but I think they're just more aesthetically pleasing. Decorum, you could say. If I were a d00d, I would def. only fuck asians and hispanic bitches because they would clean and fuck when I say so unlike uppity white hoes. Porn is lame and boring anyway but I can only fap to it if azns are getting raped by white menz. Maybe because azns are just nasty primitive jizz receptacles and nothing more but blonde women are angelic looking and seem to belong to a more ~beautiful aryan world~. I hope I'm not the only one who does this because then I would be RACIST.

Tags: i came, transexualism
Current Mood: sweet
Current Music: pacific coast highway- courtney love (i am dying you guys)

basically just a bunch of shit I put together after transferring random things I scribbled while bored at school into text. Some were written as early as 12/15/05 (most are recent tho) but I'm not going to bother to date some of them because I forgot to when I originally wrote them anyway. Just a few things about how I feel about life and all that. TL;DR fyi

( random eesoteric shit about literature, hitler, prostitutes, oedipus rex, faggotry, failing at life but likening it to biblical stories so it's less fail, etc. )

Tags: no no no no
Current Music: heute ist mein tag

I'm upset that I can't find much depth in people, mostly the people I wish I could be attracted to beyond physical appearance. In my trashy teen sex fantasies, all of the guys I want to fuck are heavily modified as far as depth goes. Sometimes people do things that are distracting. Every obvious "quirk" or distinction seems contrived or well-rehearsed, they seem to be muddying their waters. Like I don't know if some people are the real deal or not. Maybe I'm guilty of it too. But in real life, I'm very secretive and private. The stuff you read here, I would never DARE say in front of 99% of the people I'm surrounded by everyday. In fact, if you mentioned something that is relatively tame regarding my sexuality to my face, I would probably blush. My journal probably makes me seem crazy or attention-whoring, but it's really just an outlet to put things that have no place in other aspects of my life. I feel like I'm some type of fringe fetish, I just want to find the few people that find me attractive or the ones who can relate somehow without being too cliched or obviously trying to fuck me. But the truth is, most people feel the way I do about so many things. I'm not as edgy as I like to feel I am sometimes. And I'm not as disgusting or weird as people want me to be.

I always have to add that self-depricating, sardonic, or just plain silly touch to everything I say because I don't want you to think I take things too seriously because I honestly don't. Everytime you read something I post that makes you cringe because of how ridiculous or outrageous it is, just know that I'm cringing with you. I'm just as embarrassed of it as you are. I do accept that I'm a bit absurd so the embarrassment is normal for me though it still does come from the excessive self-loathing (that will probably never go away).

Everyone who acts out is just trying to be accepted anyway. And not just in a general sense. When you see that fucking kid, the one who flaunts any idiosyncrasy or defect available, he's probably not just trying to latch onto the laughable "more special-er than thou" pissing contest. Maybe he's just trying to give me a sign, that "Well, I'm kind of weird too, you shouldn't be afraid of talking to me." No one has really bothered to reach out to me during this period in my life, where I sort of need to be helped by other people the most. Maybe I should try to reach out to someone else. Everyone seems so helpless at times but it somehow doesn't make a difference. I'm an arrogant, elitist, snobby, self-dramatizing, pessimistic narcissist but I'm just a kid. It's terrifying somehow because I won't be able to use that excuse forever.

Right now, I just feel very light and floating but my gut still feels heavy. I can't describe it and it will probably go away just as soon as it appeared but I like it. It feels nice. And I'm not even sexually aroused like I usually am. Everything is kind of harmonious, kind of not. No tension. I'm complacent but not the begrudging, bitter kind I usually am.

lol fuck
this is what listening to radiohead does to me. I claim to hate Radiohead because all of the dada art fags who venerate them but Thom Yorke is kind of cute. He's very small and vulnerable looking in that video. I just want to like, embrace him warmly and say, "Everything is okay" and then breastfeed him.

Tags: niiiice
Current Music: fake plastic trees

According to a friend, everyone must fag it up at least once and dye their hair an unnatural color for punx cred before high school is over.

Maybz I can be like my hero (lol no one gets this) and do it like this


or

my secret fantasy




Also have always wanted white hair because it's just awesome but I'm not sure how that would work with tan skin. ~storm~ has white hair so

BTW I want to wear a hijab. Naked arab bitches wearing burqas looks pretty sexy imo.

~SASSY~

Tags: vasiodgihkaskf
Current Mood: uno
Current Music: I AM LISTENING TO FETTES BROT AS HARD AS I CAN

lol, Today I went to THE gas station and some Mexican thugz were there and were all "ay ma can i get wit chu" EXCEPT i was wearing no make up and ghey duck pajamas so obviously they are rapists. I ran behind a tree to hide just for the lulz I guess. the prob was that the tree was skinnier than I am so they could see and they started yelling shit in Spanish. A nigger walked past us and he was like "WTF IS WRONG WIF U SPICS ACKIN LYKE DAT AND TALKIN 2 YO SISTA LYKE DAT" I wtf'd tho because I'm not mexican GODDAMNIT and I'm not fat enough to be a wetback whore anyway. But that black guy semi-followed me home and I kept looking back and this IRRITATED him so he'd yell things like "STOP LOOKIN BAK AINT NOTHIN GON HAPPEN PARANOID AZZ" But I just walked on the other side of the road and he yelled something like "I TOLD U NOTHIN WAS GON HAPPEN DUMBASS JUS COZ IM BLK DONT MEAN SHIT" oook wtf, but I shouldn't have crossed the street anyway because my brother's fag friend w/ braces happened to be there and he was all O HAY. He talked about anime a little and how this new cool band he heard about called RAMMSTEIN is totally ~black hxc metal~ even though I told him about it a month ago because he decided he was a total German even though he's really a Polish fag. Then I lawled when he almost stepped on a dead raccoon that got hit by a car earlier today. Roadkill is kind of qt :(